The wildest ride I’ve had so far, and I like to think some of my journeys with other plant medicines have gone fairly deep. Through insanity of losing my mind completely, to dancing with demons and accepting death until I become the single intelligence at the beginning of creation, lost in the conundrum of self knowledge, loneliness and a need for experience beyond the great nothing.
The location for the retreat was fantastic, a circle of yurts not far from the wild of the Atlantic sea. The plant, Huachuma, also known as San Pedro is mainly worked with in South America. The ceremony began at 10am and dosage options were given. We were told to follow our gut. Immediately an initial conflict arose within, my gut wanted the lowest dose, but something else in me wanted the highest, thus we met in the middle.
Upon taking the medicine a naughtiness, a cheekiness arose in me. It was naughty but loving, wild and free. Insights began to come.
The first was Osho’s quote about a flower:
“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.”
This was one of the themes I’d recently been exploring, do we ever actually own anything including our own bodies or is this just an illusion. And is this attempt at ownership, control, a major human problem.
The flower scenario was instantly related to that of a paedophile, who has to take the innocence and beauty of a child and cannot simply observe, enjoy and allow.
As I went for my second and third dose of the medicine, I became more dog like, more child like. The theme was definitely to play, outside I went on the trampoline shouting ‘naughty boys’! Over and over again at the top of my voice! I went back in the yurt and took the singing bowl being played in my teeth and ran off with it.
What do naughty boys do, they don’t do as they’re told that’s for sure. Could i therefore fly? I had a vision of flying, not my physical body but my soul. The instruction came again, simply run and jump, leaving your body behind. I’d heard stories of the shamans and witches in Mexico that can fly. OK I thought lets give it a go, the words of Bill Hicks ringing in my ears…
‘If you think you can fly, take off from the ground.’
I can report that my first flying attempts was unsuccessful, as was my second, still I felt something in me that said… nearly.
I looked at my cohorts, Rafael and Leonardo, who had also imbibed, after a torrent of hysterical laughter I began playing football with a skill I’ve never before known - important to note this was all actually happening, I was very active, unlike with Ayahuasca when I usually lie on my back eyes closed for the process.
A year ago the green medicine had told me - ‘here’s the deal, you use me to heal.’
The Huachuma - had a message for me.
‘I am the father and I am here to speak to the naughty boys.’
As all the great tribes know, the perpetrator of any crime is in need of healing. As much if not more so than the victims. There are a lot of naughty boys in the world in need of healing.
I woke up talking to a flower.
A question started to role in my mind relating to this Alan Watt’s video.
What do I want? Given the power to choose whatever I want, what is it, that I actually want.
As I asked this question space and time started to shift.
‘Where do you want me?’ Said space.
‘How fast do you want me to go.’ Said time.
‘You are choosing everything.’ they said in chorus.
All of the world that you perceive is your choice, how do you want it?
Although brief, this was a gut wrenchingly strange sensation.
I knew then in an instant, I want it exactly as it is, back to how it was going, it was all perfect as it was.
Everything was happening perfectly and at just the right time, not too fast and not too slow. The imperfection we perceive is part of the perfection we have created. Do you really want to fly, that would change everything. Hmm, that I am undecided on. Do you really want an easy road that never challenges you and doesn't force you to grow and evolve?
The word shaman comes from a Siberian language and loosely means ‘to know’. I now know because I don’t know. I know not. The perfection of the universe, of what we are, is in its ever elusive mystery.
I went back into the yurt to find the others, as we sang and rattled and danced the joining of energies was not just a feeling, you could see it happening, we became each other or rather archetypes of each other and shapeshifting of all kinds appeared before my eyes.
Demons arose and left, questions of freedom and choice were posed and answered. The intensity became beyond what my rational mind could take and I left the yurt. The knowing of my 5am flight playing in the back of my mind. I did not want to miss that flight home to my family. The rational mind would only go so far on this occasion, such a party pooper, but something I was also grateful for at the time. And so the Huachuma came in waves, dissolving my body every now and again to take me away for further teachings.
As I sat down at midnight to eat a boiled egg, the medicine finally slowing down after 14 hours, I pondered the egg white and the yolk and remembered a yoga studio in Australia called egg of the universe. The white feeds the yolk, the white is all the noise all the stuff, it’s necessary for the yolk, but the yolk is what matters. The yolk is love, pure golden, gooey, goodness.
The medicine kept on giving, the lessons still coming weeks later. Thank you father!